One July Evening...

Background:

It was a nice, non-humid (!) DC July night, and friends were enjoying the "Poobah" (the bald-headed guy in the pics below) and Tiff's "Mexi-Fest." Having thrown down copious amounts of the tastiest marinated flank steak-- a downloaded Emeril recipe-- and chicken tacos and fajitas, several folk gathered on the back patio to discuss finer points of life. “The Viceroy” (the good-looking red-headed British gentleman explorer below) talked about good Scotches. Whitney spoke of looking forward to having an extra salary in the house-- a lawyer's salary, no less-- and being able to afford new, non-pink t-shirts to clothe "J" (the pink-shirted lad) in. "J" spoke of the blur that is the Bar exam preparation/study stage, as well as his plans to soon swim across the English Channel in a pink Speedo (it's true!). Snizow (in the green) got discussion started re: plans for world domination, starting with his soon-to-be-unveiled entrepreneurship schemes/scams. The Poobah bellowed numerous interjectory comments that would have been no less fitting if they had come out of Frank the Tank's mouth in "Old School." McKenzie added wit, wisdom, and frank, level-headed perspective to each of the above discussions and interjections.

And the evening descended to some depths.

"J"'s wife (I will stress that she is a wife, which I think by definition adds an extra level of maturity) Whitney moved things in a different direction when she pleaded, "Honey, show 'em how fast you can chug a beer."

"J" made a token resistance, then relented when he learnt that a Bud Light was in the cooler, allowing for the possibility of a Record Time. Snizow, knowing "J"'s esteemed reputation was about to be proudly reinforced yet again, ran inside, asking, "Who wants to see 'J' chug a beer in two seconds?" Eight more 20-, 30-, and 40-something professionals eagerly piled onto the patio. And "J" chugged. 1 pint in 1.88 (or 2.1, depending on who you ask) seconds. He grinned broadly as he licked the frothy leftovers off his lips. No pictures exist, as this spectacle is a well-documented and oft-witnessed event at DC watering holes. 8-1/2 x 11 "’J’ does McFaddens" framed lithographs are available on E-Bay already, after all.

Someone upped the ante. I think it may have been the Viceroy. "I challenge Poobah and Snizow to a chug-off." Snizow demurely declined, being the known lightweight of the group, having witnessed Viceroy/Poobah exploits past, and having just finished his 6th (or so) beer of the evening. The peer pressure was on, however, especially when Beer King "J" started calling Snizow girlie names. So Snizow reluctantly agreed to the challenge, insisting, "I gotta go drain the main vein first if I'm gonna be doing this." Upon his return, the beers were poured and allowed to warm slightly, and the Viceroy whipped off his shirt, saying he needed cooling to win this. The Poobah promptly followed (birthday) suit. Snizow declined, noting that he would have to coordinate unbuttoning and re-buttoning 8 or so buttons on his shirt. And we saw the scene below.

Viceroy: "What are you looking at, damn paparazzi?"

The Poobah: "I'm not going to tell him that his fear of my chuggin' prowess has caused his main vein to involuntarily drain.. poor old fellow."

Viceroy: " Snizziggitty, you're going down right here, just like the Poobah. Like General Lee on the soil of this very Confederacy."

Under the direction of juge-arbitre Whitney (holding watch, barely visible at right), under the watchful eye of future pink-shirted prosecutor “J”, commences the throw-down.

And they chug.

And they chug. "I think I can, I think I can."

5.1 seconds:
• Snizow is down
• The Poobah is almost down
• The Viceroy is still slurping

Conclusion: Snow victorious. Undisputed.

2 minutes later, Grand Master “J” upped the ante, challenging Snizow to a Chug-Off. Out of his league, Snizow declined, until “J” laid out the handicap: Snizow would chug one brew while “J” chugged 2. Two against one. Multiply “J”'s 2.1 seconds by two, you get 4.2 seconds, still faster than Snizow's 5.1. But the X-factor is the logistical interruption in the middle, during which “J” pounds down his glass on the table and picks up a new pint... "Yes," Snizow thought, "it's possible." 10 minutes later, after more arm-twisting and calling Snizow girlie names, Snizow and “J” were chugging off. Snizow got a High Life, “J” a High Life and a Yuengling.

End result, a close race, but Snizow edged him out. Whitney was heard chiding “J” for his poor performance. After “J” futilely tried to argue his courtroom trial gig explanation, Whitney was overheard pleading, "But I want a winner. I don't care if he only had one beer, you still lost." Snizow called “J” girlie names. Shortly thereafter, the undefeated victor of the night and the Grand Master posed for a toast.

Whitney drove home.